Something Mighty Queer
by ThisCouldTheoreticallyBeSparta
Summary: In Rivendell, Sam sees something mighty queer, in more than one way… Elladan/Elrohir/Legolas


bSOMETHING MIGHTY QUEER/b

Author: Pixie-Rings (aka UpTheChimney)

Fandom: Lord of the Rings

Pairing: Elladan/Elrohir/Legolas

Genre: crack, decided silliness, Sam being Sam

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: The majesty of Tolkien's world is without bounds nor restraints and I seek no retribution except comments from using it.

Word count: 1,022

Warning: explicit twincest, implied threesomes and masturbation

Summary: In Rivendell, Sam sees something mighty queer, in more than one way….

A/n: Set before the Fellowship leaves Rivendell, after Elladan and Elrohir return from scouting in the south.

**bxxXxXxx/b**

Frodo looked up from his book when Sam entered the room, a very odd expression on his face, like he'd eaten something that had disagreed with him. Frodo frowned.

"Is something wrong, Sam?" He asked. The gardener sat on the chair next to Frodo's and blinked several times as if trying to get his head around some high mathematical formula.

"Mister Frodo, do you know perchance what 'pen velooee' means?"

It was Frodo's turn to blink in puzzlement. "It means 'lovely one'. Why, Sam?"

"And 'pen vine'?"

"'Beautiful one'." Then Frodo smiled. "Have you been learning some Elvish to woo Rosie with when we return home?" He asked in jest. Sam shook his head.

"Nay, Mister Frodo, but I just saw something mighty queer…"

b**xxXxXxx**/b

Sam loved Rivendell, even if he was a bit in awe of it and its inhabitants. So beautiful, so mystical, so far away and yet right here… Old and young, earthly and heavenly. Far too much for him to handle, to be truthful. He loved the simple life, he did. He took a puff of his pipe and strolled down one of the paved paths that interweaved in Lord Elrond's gardens. He'd never been this way before, and so was curious to see where it lead.

He was about to round a corner when he heard muffled laughter from up ahead. Ducking behind a curtain of ivy he looked out into a small paved courtyard. A fountain in the shape of a heron bubbled up, spouting crystal-clear water into a pool. Three elves sat non a carve seat, laughing together and sharing a bottle of wine. Sam's eyes widened as he recognised Legolas seated between two identical elves, his sunlight hair in stark contrast with the raven locks of the other two. Sam had heard Elrond's sons were twins, so it must be them.

"Ah, we have missed you, pen vain." Said the twin on the right, kissing Legolas on the cheek.

"Indeed, pen velui. We missed you so." Said the other, kissing the other cheek. "Twenty years is a long time to go without our lover."

Sam held back a gasp, clapping his hand over his mouth as Legolas laughed and sipped his wine.

"Did you not think, gwanûn nîn, that I missed you also?" He said, drawing one into a kiss and then the other. "There was nothing that I could do save make my own amusement." His blue eyes twinkled mischievously.

"Ai, did you hear that, brother?" The one on the right looked pained. The one on the left nodded.

"I did, brother, I did." He raised Legolas's right hand and began testing the muscles. "Did you pull something? Has your skill with a bow lessened?"

Legolas burst out laughing and took his arm away with a shake of his head. "I did not, but the ache was here." He pressed a hand over his heart. The one on the left sighed and placed his hand over Legolas's.

"Ah, Elladan, we must mend this hurt! We cannot allow our beloved to leave with no good memories to soothe him on his long journey!" He said. Elladan nodded.

"Yes, brother." He bent his head to Legolas's neck and flick3ed his tongue over the ivory skin. "Lest neither he nor we return from our trials."

Legolas shuddered and held both of them. "Ai, do not speak of such sadness, sweet ones." He drew both of them closer for a kiss, twining all three of their tongues together, three sets of lips playing together. "I shall return, as will you. 'Tis hope that guides us through such dark times."

"You speak the truth, melethron." Said Elrohir, nipping the tip of Legolas's ear.

"Quite. Is it not our sister who says that there is always hope?" Said Elladan, running his fingers through Legolas's golden tresses.

"Our dear sister, who set cats on hard-worked papers."

"Who laced our chausses together."

"Who smeared the bed clothes with the stickiest honey of Middle-Earth."

Both wins sighed heavily. Legolas laughed even harder, nearly doubled up. He dried an eye with a last chuckle.

"Ai, melethryn, you make me forget my heart sore and foreboding." He leaned against Elladan's chest and reached out his arms for Elrohir, who pressed against the Woodland prince and kissed him, hands wandering over his brother's body. Sam, still behind his curtain of ivy, blushed to the colour of ripe strawberries and bit back a squeak. But he could not tear his eyes away.

"I would have you, Elrohir." Legolas murmured, kissing a trail to suck on the pointed tip of the younger twin's ear. Elrohir whimpered, a sound that would have shot to anyone's groin, and Elladan began nibbling on Legolas's pale neck.

"And would you let me have you, ernil bain?" He asked huskily. Legolas nodded, turning to kiss Elladan with the same fervour he had bestowed on Elrohir.

"As it always has been, rohir nîn vain." He replied, his nimble delicate fingers descending to the tie of Elrohir's tunic, baring a pale, smooth chest. Sam couldn't take it any more. He tried to be silent, he did, but all his Hobbit-sense seemed to have disappeared with the three elves' inhibitions. He crashed onto the path and ran back to his and the other hobbits' quarters without looking aback, his bare feet slapping the paving stones soundly.

Legolas leapt to the path and stifled a laugh at Sam's retreating back. Both twins raised their eyebrows in a motion all of Elrond's children seemed to have inherited.

"'Twas merely Sam the Halfling, melethryn nîn. I do not doubt he will tell no one. Now, where were we…?" He asked settling back between the twins. Both laughed and returned to love play.

b**xxXxXxx**/b

"…Can you explain it, Mister Frodo?" He asked miserably. Frodo just sat, his face aflame.

"M-maybe we should ask Legolas for explanations?" He suggested in a squeak, clearing his throat to regain a masculine-sounding voice. Sam and his master looked at each other for a long time, then shook their heads fervently as one. Elves truly i_were_/i mighty queer, in more ways than one…


End file.
